Its just me I guess...Im a little more prone to letting my mind wonder without a leash.And yes,I know.If Im upset the whole world knows it.Thats cuz I go around pasting my anti-smiley faces on Facebook,MSN and the blog *Anti-smiley faces => :( *.I tend to cry more than an average guy should *Only when I feel I should* and I do tend to take heavy emotions as a fuel source to run my life.
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Whats the matter with me? Huh....being in Australia.Thats the problem.
This problem of mine felt like a scalpel slicing through my heart.It just gave me the unpleasant feeling of betrayal or being left out.This horrible feeling,it feels like before you throw up.There's that stupid effect of "pre-puke" in me.Whatever it is its just plain unpleasant.
Sometimes I feel like turning my back on things.I don't have the courage to go on cuz I know in the end Im gonna get hurt.I try too hard in everything.Thats my problem.Exams,Relationships,Personal interests,even games.I try too hard in them all.Its like a big gamble for me.Heck...life itself is a game to me.You either win big or loose everything.And in the end Im the babo *Fool*..I have always been one for Im naive in their eyes.
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I try too hard for my group sometimes and I feel like a burden to them after awhile.But people got lifes as well,after awhile it seeps in that another soul is gone.Its kinda weird how I need reassurance from my friends.They always tell me "No one will forget you" and the likes but it feels like there's no basis to that.I juz felt betrayed every now and then and tend to shut myself from others.I just feel that one shudn't be too close with every other human,cuz time can change.So can the human emotions with time.And thats what Im experiencing now.A change...from them.Trust is lacking within this formation..trust of me to my group.
And the moment I heard We dun have you in the plan it felt kinda painful.Maybe I was too naive.Or maybe the person was being too bold.He was kinda blunt and straight to the point.But I wasnt asking about that topic.I juz wanted to know how are my friends doing back at home.And yet he let those words out like a dog without its leash.I felt a snap once I read that.I dunno...it juz felt all fcked up ok?I...*sigh* I dunno what am I to do when I see them again in Malaysia.Maybe I will shut myself away from my friends.
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"We have to give it our best.In the next competition we're gonna put 110% in to it."
That line added more pain to me.It felt like a betrayal to me.But it wasnt their fault.I choose it.I choose to come to Australia.To this damned land cast aside to a far end of the world.Where the people here are frankly less on the intelectual level compared to me.I betrayed myself.I betrayed my heart,I betrayed my group..and so I will bear the consequences.That group is whole now without me in it.And it just felt painful,a competition without me.....and yet I tell the world I luv dancing.
Maybe I appear childish and naive in the eyes of my friends.Im easily fooled and played.With the right tune and notes,I will fall into ur play just like that.Guillible.And it hurts more when others say "Again?He is gonna quit again?Isnt that the XXX time already?".Or when they say "Geez...u always quit.Whats with u emo-ing?".Its like I juz told them a joke,neither of them take me for real.And they laugh sheepishly about it.I dunno what I should do..should I be angry,sad or annoyed?Or should I be all?I've been feeling this for so long.Ever since I asked them to join a competition during form-5 after SPM,and yet it was tossed aside.Or when I asked for we prepare a new performance and they just shrug it off....we have never changed.And yet I will stay loyal despite being treated low.
I felt cast away.Like I juz lost my home and I got no feeling in me.That determinance to continue living is lost.Maybe its cause I was distant away from them last time..
Those words made my day...by ringing constantly in my head.
Im sick of false assurance..Im sick of those lines you say to comfort me.
Why am I here......what am I to u,9?
A fool
Maybe I appear childish and naive in the eyes of my friends.Im easily fooled and played.With the right tune and notes,I will fall into ur play just like that.Guillible.And it hurts more when others say "Again?He is gonna quit again?Isnt that the XXX time already?".Or when they say "Geez...u always quit.Whats with u emo-ing?".Its like I juz told them a joke,neither of them take me for real.And they laugh sheepishly about it.I dunno what I should do..should I be angry,sad or annoyed?Or should I be all?I've been feeling this for so long.Ever since I asked them to join a competition during form-5 after SPM,and yet it was tossed aside.Or when I asked for we prepare a new performance and they just shrug it off....we have never changed.And yet I will stay loyal despite being treated low.
I felt cast away.Like I juz lost my home and I got no feeling in me.That determinance to continue living is lost.Maybe its cause I was distant away from them last time..
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Thats right...I'm feeling all fcked up bcuz of 9.
Go laugh.Go...
Go laugh.Go...
"There's a competition in late July called MOS"
"Give it all our best.."
"No,ur not in the plan."
"Ian and his friend came and told us.."
"Give it all our best.."
"No,ur not in the plan."
"Ian and his friend came and told us.."
Those words made my day...by ringing constantly in my head.
Im sick of false assurance..Im sick of those lines you say to comfort me.
Why am I here......what am I to u,9?
A fool
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