Luminous

Met a very old friend today. It's been ages since we met.. and I'm glad we did.

I needed it, thank you.


Jokes and fun aside, walking down the aisle of a mall made me realize one thing..
My memories are tied and held down by nearly everything in it. There's not one corner which I walked by, that did not trigger a certain event/emotional flashback.

It's a subconscious and organic kinda thing.. (Organic in a sense that it's filled with emotions, happy times, funny times, that sort..)  I told the boys I wanted to burn everything and carpet bomb the mall, but that's not true at all..
I kinda smiled when they flashed by.. Looking back made me realize I appreciate your company.. thank you.

The shop Egete which you wanted to try on some dress, gave me pleasant memories. The moment the changing room curtains shifted and you emerged.. it was magical. And the price of the dress, haha.. yeah I remember that too.

The time when you nursed me back to health after a bad meal. I was so sick that time..
Went back to eat the same fried rice again.. haha

Or the time when you were looking for stationary in a bookstore, trying on funny hairbands, buying a mustache necklace for your sister, and then there was a flashback 2 mths ago.. at the mango dessert store. It felt like yesterday.

I don't intend to run away. I'm not gonna lie, my 1st reaction was denial. And I shifted at the sight of something familiar. I'd feel like I'm being strangled, I feel sick.. I feel despair.. I feel anger..
I'd purge my meals out, because I feel congested inside.
I sleep early, but toss and turn because I see you even when I close my eyes.
I still smile, but everyone know it's a lie. 

I ran, but they are everywhere.. only because the source of my memories stem from within me. I can't keep running away from my own shadow.
Hence I chose to face them, I embrace them, I smile at them..
Throwing things away, removing them from my routine lifestyle solves nothing. It doesn't help you grow, not one bit.

There will be one day where I fall and cry under the rain again, no doubt.
Events like this aren't as simple as curing the common cold.
And while I'm a man of science,
there are just somethings that can't be fixed no matter how much you try.
Waiting it out, and then progressing from there is the only way to go.

Perhaps I'm delusional in your eyes.
A pitiful pup, a fool..
I doubt you are even reading this,
which makes me seem pathetic..
writing something in hopes that you see it.

But where will I go from there..
No one can always be there for me,
I'd best pour my thoughts here.


Thy soul, once a believer
Thou art gentle and loving,

And though, the pain is deeper
The constellations guide where I'm going.


I love you..
and it's because of that,
that I chose to do as you say..


I believed in every word you said about us,
the future, but I never stop and take a look around me
and see what has become of us,
will I give up everything to turn back time?
no.. because the outcome is the same,
I chose to hide my emotions and thoughts in a box,
perhaps when you are ready, I will let them out, one at a time
and if you are never ready..?
then I'd lock it..forever.