Now if I may..

Its been awhile since I lashed out/spoke my mind..
Lets begin with the introduction so that you'd understand how my brain ticks..

"I'm a 21 year old student, currently doing Medicine Degree program in Segi Uni, yes I was once in IMU and some of you might even recognize me from Newcastle (Australia).
All of those are true, and I'm not denying those. I opted out of Newcastle (Nuclear Medicine) in hopes of achieving something greater in life, being a Doctor.
And I turned to IMU for that. Now I'm here."

Something's missing,right? The puzzle is somehow not complete.. Lemme get to the juicy chunks in a bit.

Its intriguing really, how a person's perception of switching institutions is, over here compared to other countries. Malaysians,somehow frown upon such things.. And it is a hot topic among relatives, and seniors alike. Its almost 'sinful' to fail/switch Universities here in Malaysia. And what more, it makes a good meal time gossip story to tell. Come on, lets be honest.. you'd probably have gossiped bout that bastard that failed XX Uni or that girl that opted out of XY Uni some time ago. Even I do that..

The reason why it was so hard to break the silence and spill my heart (and guts) out, was because of the fear of rejection. The harsh reality of accepting this tiny little scar in my life has led me to become introverted at times. And honestly suicide was once on my mind, cuz I was unable to accept such a shame.

To be frank, it took me roughly 5-6 mths to come out of this ugly spiral. It wasnt easy accepting the fact that I had failed. And it wasn't easier talking my parents out of forcing me back to IMU. Seriously, I had not figure out what I wanted back then. I did not make up my mind,neither was I hasty in doing so ; If I did opted to restart the whole Semester there, then my decision would have been a pre-mature and half baked one. Reason being I have lost faith in the institution. Its not giving me something, and I couldn't find it till now.. That was..

The joy of studying.

I couldn't feel the reason I needed to study, it was nothing more than a dead pulse back then in my previous alma mater. Subsequently I found myself sitting alone thinking, and wondering bout the whole education system. And eventually, thought my way around it. The next thing that happen was a sudden realization, that I no longer want this. I no longer wanted to be a doctor. I no longer wanted to study here. And I lacked that flare, and desire to continue pursuing my goal.

"I was blind..
And left alone to die.."

That sudden realization, came to me on Exam eve. 1 day before the big finals.. That I had pursued this course half heartedly, and lost interest along the way, blinded by stress and a pre-mature mindset that I was a "very brilliant student". I was cocky and overestimated my own capabilities and limits. Fate did its job, and I soon cracked like an egg. All that was left, was the cleaning up and removal of my existence from that institution.

I expected the outcome. Fail, was on my mind. And frankly when I went back for the recovery classes, I could not pick up the mood and joy of studying anymore. I was permanently blind and lost. "Study 12 hrs, thats how a good student gets an A, if u do that u'll pass" says, Amy Teh, one of the pathologist there, who was giving us a 'pep talk'.

Honestly they encourage investing more time rather than studying smart to us.. I hate to show ignorance, but thankfully I learned otherwise, here at Segi Uni thanks to Prof. Hamdan.

Days, turned to months..
The pain and disgrace I endured healed,
though the experience of running through a bunch of schoolmates,
while holding ur result slip still stays etched in my mind..
It was utterly, humiliating.
And a 1st time for me..

I bucked up under the aid of family, my girlfriend, friends and counselors alike,
and found my renew faith to start anew, no longer looking back..
Not letting that ugly experience hold me back from being awesome.
I now love Medicine, and study it for 1 purpose,

I want to challenge myself to finish what I started,
and I want to understand my origins and the sufferings in life.

I have developed, a fine taste for the knowledge in Medicine study,
and I crave for more knowledge everytime..


I was once an aborted soul,
but that doesn't mean the future ahead of me is ruined.
That doesn't mean I am unable to score As,
That doesn't mean I was stupid,
That doesn't mean I'll let myself live in shame.

I come to u now, honestly sharing my experiences there,

I've been down, and now rose up again to the challenge,
and I walk on and on..
in seek of knowledge.


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My former alma mater reminds me of a case of unwanted pregnancy, where abortion is the common norm. Or rather, if I may..a bad case of fishing with a huge fishing net. To metaphorically "fish up" 270 students and put them in a hall to study medicine, then slowly cut down those deemed too "dumb" to study Medicine, that must have been one hell of a "fishing net" that they used. The filtration rate was simply poor. Or rather, was it me that was fooled by the fine words and namesake of the institution?

I find it unsatisfying that their actions encourage "in-born talents" to pursue medicine, while most people there frown on others that are "less fortunate". If u are brilliant, then u'd survive. On the contrary, instead of showing the less brilliant students a proper encouragement to study, they show u the door. Out.

And then u'd have a strict filtration system to trim off all these unnecessary individuals, and have the brilliant ones exchange knowledge, essentially "breeding them" to produce unique students. A haven for those that can cope with such harsh reality. This in return encourages a self-centred and "know-it-all" attitude among some students. Something I find, very very irritating.

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Those that were kicked out by the institution (that can't even provide a proper shaded car-park and a proper lab), now seek help from other Universities. Essentially making Us, nothing more than adoption homes.. I might have went to deep in thoughts, but I figured this whole cycle out a long time ago, I just did not happen to bring it up anywhere on this blog.

Honestly while some may argue that failure and drop outs were caused by an individual's mistake, it doesn't help the whole brutal cycle by an ounce when the University involved can't control their lust for money. Honestly, don't you think taking in 270 student-Doctor wannabes and then stuffing them in a hall is a little too much? For Christ sake, your abandoned ex-Shopping complex building with their cranky escalators could barely even provide a nice a comfy parking space, let alone the labs and dissection halls.

Come on, instead u provided a "practice area" filled with Sisters and nurses bossing us around on our "patient-doctor" practice sessions. Honestly, the syllabus are so much different here as compared to my former institution. 6 mths into the course and we bought a stethoscope, followed by hush hush off to the nearby Hospitals for visits. Yet many still do not know why Primaquine/Malarial Drugs shouldn't be given to hemolytic anemia patients. Or if Favism aggrevates a bad case of hemolytic anemia.
Despite such vast difference, at least I had found the joy of studying and finally understood Why and How things work.

All in all, the cycle I've gone through was a very long and tiring one. I learned a lot.. And have experience all the sour emotions and pain that comes with it..

This rant/blog was probably the best way to tell everyone that I'm no longer with IMU. Finally I broke my silence.
And for Christ sake IMU, pls stop chasing me for Sem3 fees and sending me result slips saying I failed Sem3, I WASN'T EVEN IN SEM 3 TO BEGIN WITH. F*cking irresponsible bastards, update ur goddamn system.

I'm now ready to rise up to a new challenge, and truly practice Life Long Learning..

I'm having an exam soon,
watch me scorch the battlefield,

The ground shall run red, in blood.

Till then,

An hourglass

To sum up my day : Went to watch "In Time", WASN'T impressed with the acting. At.all.

BUT was satisfied with the drive home message.


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Well to be honest, the movie was rather bland and boring. On the story and plot perspective, it managed to capture my attention, for the full 2 and a half hrs.

By coincidence, the drive home message was related to the short powerpoint presentation I saw during lecture. U see, my lecturers stepped into class today and gave a wonderful powerpoint presentation.

It wasn't bout the usual study material. That sort of bullcrap has been fed to us consecutively for the past God know, how many days. They were doing much more than that. They were subconsciously expanding our Emotional Quotient.

The powerpoint related teamwork to the natural flight pattern of geese.

The migrating species of birds, fly in a unique "V" shaped pattern.

They have a leader at the center, but it doesn't hog all the spotlight to itself. As the leader gets tired, another of it's kind will replace it. Hence they rotate, allowing others to show their capabilities..

If at any one point, one of the goose decides to take to the skies alone, it will feel the harsh cold wind beating against it, restricting its abilities. The others will welcome and encourage this loner to participate and fly together. Together, the work done is amplified. And much more is achieved.

If any of the birds feel sick/tired..some of them will stick to it. Accompanying it, making sure it fully recovers, or stick with it till it passes away.

Lastly, they often quack at each other, encouraging each other to keep at it as they fly through harsh weathers.

The spirit of teamwork and synergy among members was so well demonstrated in lower animals *I don't consider my species more superior than others btw, but such amazing act fascinates me*

Now the question is, Why don't we see much of it among our kind?

This is the part where the drive home message from "In Time" comes in..

Individualism was pretty much all over the place in the movie.. The need of an individual overpowers the mass. Survival of the fittest was the theme addressed in this movie. The strong survive, and the weak die for the sake of the strong to live on. This sort of individualism was termed Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Moving into the next phase and securing a high position in the hierarchy at the expense of sacrifice from lower beings of the same kind/different kind.

I will take a direct quote from the movie :
"No one deserves to be immortal, if another person has to die for it."

Similarly, in a group, no one deserves to triumph over others, if the other members are to sacrifice for it. That is, disruption in group synergy. A negative energy that many fail to see.
Teamwork is abstract, pretty much like art.

Some get it, cuz they really feel it.
Some get it, but they 'understand' only bcuz everyone says yes.

Some get it, but they pretend.

These are the worst kind of people.

Personally I try to limit the amount of interaction I have with people that disrupt the chain of positive feedback among groups. Its never nice to see the same take home message for years only centered on the fact that you suck. I guess I've seen it happen before my eyes for so many years. Yet I only realize it now.

My exposure to group work and its synergistic effects prove beneficial after all. In a way, we were encouraged to survive as a pack. Not as loners.
In the end, though your achievements are based on your individual actions, the path towards achieving such glory is often never a lonely one. Often, we seek help when we are not sure. We seek the aid of others to push through difficult phases in life.

Hence the great string of achievements awaiting at the end of a long struggle, is never spawned from individualistic actions. Failure to acknowledge such a contribution by the team, is ignorance.
Ignorance upon the fact that our friends helped us, and that we are never alone.

"It is better to admit ignorance, than demonstrate it."

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During the 7 weeks of my study phase, I've been grateful.

Grateful and blessed, I have wonderful lecturers.
Though they are my lecturers, I'd prefer to fondly refer to them as my inspiration.
They are my tutors in the philosophies of life.
And they all encourage the same take home message,
kill individualism
and long live collectivism.

Grateful that I have wonderful coursemates, groupmates and friends.

Grateful that my parents finally opened the door between us
and we started communicating.

Grateful that I met my girl.
She resembles a large Energizer battery packed into a tiny frame.
She gives me the inspiration to write.

Grateful to God, that I got a 2nd chance at life.
No matter what religion background u are from,
it doesn't hurt to spend 10secs praying together before a class. :)

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It however pains me,
that individualism has spawned in my close group of friends.
Some had it a long time ago,
I failed to acknowledge that earlier.
Some display them on and off, yet fail to strike me.

Its sad but true, I was once upon a time,
a person that understood teamwork,
and the close bond formed thru synergy among members.

Time passed, and I thought I still knew,
what teamwork and collectivism is.

I thought I knew it.

But I was wrong. I lied to myself.
That sort of spirit was long gone.
It eroded like mud, under the rain.

"Collectivism is like a blade, it must be polished.
When left to rust, it becomes individualism..
separate pieces broken from a once sturdy blade."

It was not easy sitting down and thinking bout things,
the fact that I had led the group into individualism.
I too have my own portion of the fault to shoulder.

But the fact that I chose to be an initiator,
the very 1st person to voice it out,
the very person others will frown upon,
framed for spoiling and causing disunity among the group,
shows that I still do care bout us.

It strikes me as ignorance when others refuse to acknowledge a problem within a group,
Pinning the matter on the fact that we are all busy is ignorance.
Frankly even I do it.
I myself have many a time, claim to be too busy to give "a f*ck" bout other ppl's life.

That was me, being stupid and ignorant.

I feel rather sad, that such a concern has been brought up time and time again,
only to be shrugged off by certain people as nothing more than an attention seeking stunt.


My dismissal from the latest group performance has not thrown me off track,
Though it weighted heavily on me that I have to commit to another path in life,
I have never once blamed anyone for it.
For the issue was well understood by me,
and I never wanted to be a burden.


I am sad, but becuz I cant perform anymore.
I have no hard feelings to anyone, bcuz I understand the whole story.
Neither do I blame anyone for suggesting that I quit.
U are right, I should in order to not burden the group.


I am sad, but becuz I have seen individualism spawned in this group,
It saddens me that it has become the common language spoken,
Regretfully, I failed to bind everyone closer to one another,
I did not encourage any form of participation
We were once sumthing, becuz of how close we could relate to each other.

Not becuz of our dancing skills.


I choose to chase after abstract things,
only felt by the heart.

Viva la Collectivism.

Till then,
U know u have certainly grown more mature, when u start talking and reasoning out things that surprise even urself.. I have certainly, grown in many ways. Becoming more team oriented and positive.
Regretfully, another flock of geese have demonstrated better collectivism.. That is the painstaking truth..

Lost.

I am lost. Really..

Now, this isn't a casual post bout the story of my life..
No, this is so much more than that..

This is about passion, the raw emotions I used to have, when I do the things I liked.

This flame, that burns deep in me.. is now gone.

Extinguished, no more..

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I have recently found myself getting back to dancing,
taking baby steps in being more active in participating..

But midway, something juz happened.

For the 1st time in my life, I'm struck with this feeling
I have never experienced before..

I question myself time and time again..

'Why am I dancing? What am I doing here??"

I lost the passion,
I lost the feel
Emotionally numb, I no longer feel the hype and passion for dancing..

Though I have yet to pinpoint the exact reason why I am like this,
I have been observing myself..
I seem to be less chirpy,
less happier with the way things are..
less happier and more tensed with the pressure of an upcoming performance..
I seem to take this more seriously cuz it is, after all, a performance..
I am simply put, less into this performance as more time passes,
I am tired, emotionally and nearly off the edge d..


I know the performance is right after my exams, no doubt it will definitely put additional pressure on me as I prepare for my End of Block exam..

I find myself unable to cope with the increasing demands of the team,
Not to say ur demands are unreasonable, but rather I am unable to deliver up to that standard..
I frankly can't oblige to a practice on weekdays, weekends and friday that often anymore.
Friday maybe once in awhile. But there are times that I must find my own personal time off..

I've been giving nearly everything to this course
(And I am very happy bcuz I got results that I deserved, and I actually enjoy my life in SEGi)
I've given whatever left next to my family and my girl..
And I gave whatever remnants and crumbs of my personal time to IX.
I find myself not relaxing, instead always running between places and wondering what to do next..

I guess those are minor reasons (or maybe excuses),

No matter what, I've lost all passion and emotion for this performance,
And I can't deliver unless I know what am I doing..
I guess I didn't really understand what Fang Kai meant when he mentioned bout 'us adhering too strictly to schedule and becoming more and more involved with dance.'

I can fully relate to his point of view now,
Bcuz all thats on my mind now is, When is the next practice? Can I attend? If not means I got more catching up to do.
I no longer find myself looking forward and enjoying friday.. bcuz now I dread it.

Its best I stay out of this one,

I guess its better for me to be by the sidelines..

All I am right now, is a dancer that can't dance.

Till then,


**btw this has nothing to do with my time management,
neither does it have to do with my uni. I kinda lost interest in the performance
and no longer prioritize it in the events of my life.
Thats all.**