There was once a Sagittarius,

who fell in love with a maiden

 despite the challenges, remained tenacious,

 day by day their feelings deepen..

"Dear fair maiden, hold thy hand.."

 "to the skies, we soar to seek thou moon."

And thus they soar over the land,

her companionship to him, a much needed boon.

Hours became days, days became months

Like the sun, bright and unyielding with love..

Her inner glow, and warmth

continue to shower the two doves.

Headstrong and prideful as he maybe,

it was his downfall that he didn't foresee.

The days the maiden held on with love,

her grip loosened, retreated to a cove.

Pitch black, the skies grew

and against the rain he flew..

But it was too late,

for a cave now hid his date.

21 hours, for the next 12 days..

he knelt in hopes to change her ways.

The maiden no longer found,

his happiness now bound..

"I will try, and try, and try again.."

"and though this search might be in vain,"

"knowing that I fly against the rain.."

"I only have one question, can I start again?"

I didn't know writing this poem was so painful 
Not to mention the mental block on words..
 I don't wish to resume from where I was
because I only realized how little I know about you..
Watching other people today made me realize
how easily it is to take your soulmate for granted..


The fundamentals of understanding lies in how well you know the other half..
The more experience, the better
I was foolish to think one minor event sealed our trust and didn't move on from there
I was confident that we could be together forever
and let loose my grip..


Though I doubt you will read this..
but I never intended to play games through out the days you weren't here..
it may sound like an excuse but these are days where I spend them with my brother and friends..
while awaiting your return..
Something to occupy my mind so that I don't dread you not being here..
so that I don't pester you day and night expecting a reply..
but it did happen.. and I am sorry.


I was eagerly awaiting your return, and upon it happening..
everything else can disappear, I was putting the final preparations to our Valentines gift
and in the process of making it thought a lot about you..


That's the nicest thing about handmade gifts..
it makes you think about the person you love every second of the process
you just focus on it.. and it gets even better when an idea comes up..


Though you told me it's over.. I never wanted to give up..
I'm sorry if I'm always impulsive..
always dominating..
and distrustful at times..
Although you told me to back off..by telling me how much it felt like a burden..
I wanted to chase on, but I realized that would only suffocate you..
 I'd kill the person I love in the process of getting what I want, something
I have been doing all these while..


And so I removed my presence.. against my will
Memories flash by every now and then, and like a sharp pain stabs me hard..
but I endure and smile on in class.. 
All I can do now is wait,

but..know this.


I still deeply love you,
and perhaps with time in exile,
it would mature to become something more affectionate
 and romantic than before.



 The love I had before seemed immature to me now..
 Hopefully, I'd be able to love you as an adult..
 With a more open and mature mind 

And I can only hope..
you'd open up and be willing to try again..
   

Today

Not caring is a silent way to care

New year, New look.

It's a bout time I gave this place a renovation and update the side panel.

A lot of time have passed.. and I think it's a bout time I let my maturity reflect on it.

I doubt anyone comes back here anymore, but that shouldn't deter me from doing what I used to enjoy most.

New year, a new look, a new feel to it, but best of all..still the same old me.

Nothing has changed.

Till then

Dusk

Dusk comes, wind in hand

Its not easy handling two handfuls of sand,

one moment, you're busy filling up an empty flask with it

the next moment, you realize your other hand is empty.

For you have forgotten about it, while being busy going about your daily business..

meanwhile, the sand slowly seeps out of your grasp,

slowly.. blown away

gone.

By time you realize it,

there's ntg left to grasp.

Will you even remember that you were once holding onto something?

Some don't..

Thats how life ticks,

and our loved ones, our parents..

can easily begone like sand in a dune,

once taken by the wind, can never be found anymore if we don't treasure what we have now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grow up.

No one, lives forever.


Till then,

A casual discussion on current MOBA genres

Before we begin, lets get some terminologies straight.
MOBA is an acronym for Multiplayer Online Battle Arena based games.
Not only do players in 2 parties compete for resources and kill points, but they are confined in a limited space (hence the term arena).

Now the 2 MOBA games I want to discuss are Heroes of Newerth and Valve's upcoming Dota 2.
I've been playing HoN since 2 years ago and I've played Dota 1 since roughly 3 years ago. Last year in late November, I was invited into Dota 2 beta.

And here's my insight on how both games are. To put it short, its my personal opinion on both games from a HoN player's perspective and Dota 2 Beta tester perspective.

With the recent release of ANOTHER NEW HERO in HoN, I've decided to say a few words bout it.

--------------------

With all the shortcomings of Dota 1, especially the notoriety of its extremely foul-mouthed and leaver community, Valve has certainly taken into account all of these problems when developing Dota 2 with Icefrog taking the helm. They wasted no time in tackling the issue at its source. But the solution was definitely not an instant perma-ban for leaving a few games. Tbh its quite an improvement really, and I'm not sure if any other company has thought of this already.

1) If u leave a game in Dota 2, u'll get an "Abandon". What that basically means is that u will be placed in Low Priority Matchmaking and will take longer times to find a game compared to the rest. If a person in LPMM (Low Priority Matchmaking) is invited into ur party to join a game, then the whole team would be notified that the average time to find a game has increased due to that person.

Basically this system helps keep ur leaver status in check. With the time increased, it discourages u to play, and sit out of a game. Or if u are patient enuf, u can try and wait for MM. But beware, the more u leave, the longer it will take and repeated offenses are not taken lightly. The status automatically resets after some time (If I'm not wrong, it resets after 1 day/longer depending on how severe the offense is) and u will be able to MM like normal again. This way a person is not penalized heavily incase his net service provided decided to dc on him. There are bound to be unintentional dc when playing and Dota 2 certainly doesn't penalize heavily on this.

2)When u join a game and arrive at the loading screen, if the player dc, the match wudn't continue and instead u are placed back in High Priority Match making. Whereas in HoN if a player dc at the hero pick screen, he is basically screwed. Dota 2 introduces an extra connection screen in which it ensures all players have successfully connected before allowing them to choose their heroes. This way it is pretty much fair and no one loses out.

3)Keeping the community in check.
In HoN, the only way to report a person is :
(A) U have a GM as a friend, and I know someone who does have a GM as a fren. He goes as far as texting him the game ID and tells him in H/p text msg that he will email him the screenshot.

(B) U take screenshots ingame and load them up to the forum with the ID, and pray to god he is banned for life.

What Valve did in Dota 2 was implement the Rate/Complain system ingame itself. That way u don't have to go to the forums, create an account just to report the player. Heck, u might be too lazy to even create the account in the forums.

Pressing the TAB button loads the Players name, the hero they chosed and their K/D/A (Kills/Death and Assist). It is much like the Counter Strike score board. By pressing the players name, u will see the Report button. U can click on Intentional feeding if he is feeding, or if Tiny wudnt stop tossing u to the enemy, u can click on Skill abuse and fill in the comment section. Then click sent and ur done. A msg will be received : Thank you for making the Dota 2 community a better place.

If many reports have been filed, the game will lock the player out and he is unable to login until the duration of the punishment is over. And depending on severity, u might even have the game removed from ur Steam list.

To make things even more interesting, if the player u reported has been banned, u will receive a msg the next time u login stating that he has been removed and punished for his wrong doing.

If u had a great time and enjoyed ur last game with a "Pro", u can comment on him for being a great leader by clicking the Leadership button. Or if he was kind to u and helped u, u can write sumthing nice and comment on him.

This system essentially helps snuff out bad attitude gamers and game spoilers, and encouraged mutual relationships among the community gamers. Infact there is even a column called Socialize where gamers might be able to group up and talk bout the game in the near future.

4) Leaver status.
In HoN, if u have left more than 5% of the games, u are deemed a "leaver" and can either play enough games to unblock ur account or purchase the Stat reset option to reset ur stats. Normally the number of games needed to be played is of a ridiculous amount especially if u previously played very little on that account. It is a strict and yet profitable way to milk the community at the same time. But penalizes heavily when a person unintentionally dc due to patch issues or server maintenance problems.

Dota 2 handles the game more lightly by allowing shorter and much lighter punishments that increases with weight if the offense is repeated or much more serious. This creates an environment that encourages learning and tolerace at the same time.


To put it simply, HoN does have its plus points, since it introduced the Reconnect system and Alternate announcers to substitute the Vanilla version. And the early developers did come up with amazing concepts (My fav being Puppet Master, an Intel hero with the capability to carry or Midas, a strength hero played much like an Intel hero). Hybrid concepts of an Intelligence hero played in a different way makes it interesting. However it seems such good creations and the brain power in the team has reached rock bottom.

people need to realize that the S2 team basically took a game developed on an outdated and expired engine (Dota 1) and merely added certain improvements to it. They were doing well, but not for long as they seemed to have sidetracked a lot especially in the Goblin shop department. Nowadays, a patch is less about balancing, and taking in feedbacks from the community; But rather, a marketing opportunity to sell new "Early-access heroes" and other special cosmetics available through the use of ingame coins. They can be earned by playing or purchased using real money and honestly I have done both. This system doesn't really benefit the community. It was still the same, as how S2 left the game around the patch when Nomad came out. Ntg much has improved, and the last good hero I rmb they created was probably Salforis. Nowadays the newcomers are either lousy and remade heroes or it is another agi carry hero.

The PSR system, while good during the early days placed too much emphasis on the Kill:Death ratio of a player. Such details when revealed to another player can have a major impact on the psychology of the team, essentially demoralizing them before the match has even begun. It is rather stressful trying to maintain at a certain Player Rating Skill (PSR) level, and seeing the points go up and down can be very depressing.

It was way too serious for my liking and I found the Win : Lose ratio in Dota 2 much more interesting. Only u can see the Win : Lose ratio and the number of abandons u have. If another player views ur stats, they can only see the number of games u won. This let players judge one another based on the number of games they played (Letting the experience and win rate speak for themselves) and is much more relaxing in my opinion as opposed to the PSR ratio where it is detailed. In my opinion, players shouldn't be stereotyped by the K/D/R as it penalized those that like to support, or it hammers down on those that sacrifice for a team victory.

Anyways, its just my 2 cents on the whole issue,
and I'm getting rather bored of ranting.

Dota 2 ftw,

Till then,

Today, when the clock strikes 12,

I will kneel before you and pray.

I pray for my own happiness,

I pray for my family,my girl and friends alike..

I pray for myself.

-----------------

On this auspicious day,

another soul was brought into this world.

And he has reached out to the many hearts and souls in life.

My path in life, interesting and full of lessons at every corner..



Today is the day, I find myself

And understand myself.


21 years flash before me,

And I live on, stronger than ever.

My resolve may have shattered once,

but never will I hide behind my own shadow..

I'm done doing that.


I get better and wiser with age, much like wine ;)

Now if I may..

Its been awhile since I lashed out/spoke my mind..
Lets begin with the introduction so that you'd understand how my brain ticks..

"I'm a 21 year old student, currently doing Medicine Degree program in Segi Uni, yes I was once in IMU and some of you might even recognize me from Newcastle (Australia).
All of those are true, and I'm not denying those. I opted out of Newcastle (Nuclear Medicine) in hopes of achieving something greater in life, being a Doctor.
And I turned to IMU for that. Now I'm here."

Something's missing,right? The puzzle is somehow not complete.. Lemme get to the juicy chunks in a bit.

Its intriguing really, how a person's perception of switching institutions is, over here compared to other countries. Malaysians,somehow frown upon such things.. And it is a hot topic among relatives, and seniors alike. Its almost 'sinful' to fail/switch Universities here in Malaysia. And what more, it makes a good meal time gossip story to tell. Come on, lets be honest.. you'd probably have gossiped bout that bastard that failed XX Uni or that girl that opted out of XY Uni some time ago. Even I do that..

The reason why it was so hard to break the silence and spill my heart (and guts) out, was because of the fear of rejection. The harsh reality of accepting this tiny little scar in my life has led me to become introverted at times. And honestly suicide was once on my mind, cuz I was unable to accept such a shame.

To be frank, it took me roughly 5-6 mths to come out of this ugly spiral. It wasnt easy accepting the fact that I had failed. And it wasn't easier talking my parents out of forcing me back to IMU. Seriously, I had not figure out what I wanted back then. I did not make up my mind,neither was I hasty in doing so ; If I did opted to restart the whole Semester there, then my decision would have been a pre-mature and half baked one. Reason being I have lost faith in the institution. Its not giving me something, and I couldn't find it till now.. That was..

The joy of studying.

I couldn't feel the reason I needed to study, it was nothing more than a dead pulse back then in my previous alma mater. Subsequently I found myself sitting alone thinking, and wondering bout the whole education system. And eventually, thought my way around it. The next thing that happen was a sudden realization, that I no longer want this. I no longer wanted to be a doctor. I no longer wanted to study here. And I lacked that flare, and desire to continue pursuing my goal.

"I was blind..
And left alone to die.."

That sudden realization, came to me on Exam eve. 1 day before the big finals.. That I had pursued this course half heartedly, and lost interest along the way, blinded by stress and a pre-mature mindset that I was a "very brilliant student". I was cocky and overestimated my own capabilities and limits. Fate did its job, and I soon cracked like an egg. All that was left, was the cleaning up and removal of my existence from that institution.

I expected the outcome. Fail, was on my mind. And frankly when I went back for the recovery classes, I could not pick up the mood and joy of studying anymore. I was permanently blind and lost. "Study 12 hrs, thats how a good student gets an A, if u do that u'll pass" says, Amy Teh, one of the pathologist there, who was giving us a 'pep talk'.

Honestly they encourage investing more time rather than studying smart to us.. I hate to show ignorance, but thankfully I learned otherwise, here at Segi Uni thanks to Prof. Hamdan.

Days, turned to months..
The pain and disgrace I endured healed,
though the experience of running through a bunch of schoolmates,
while holding ur result slip still stays etched in my mind..
It was utterly, humiliating.
And a 1st time for me..

I bucked up under the aid of family, my girlfriend, friends and counselors alike,
and found my renew faith to start anew, no longer looking back..
Not letting that ugly experience hold me back from being awesome.
I now love Medicine, and study it for 1 purpose,

I want to challenge myself to finish what I started,
and I want to understand my origins and the sufferings in life.

I have developed, a fine taste for the knowledge in Medicine study,
and I crave for more knowledge everytime..


I was once an aborted soul,
but that doesn't mean the future ahead of me is ruined.
That doesn't mean I am unable to score As,
That doesn't mean I was stupid,
That doesn't mean I'll let myself live in shame.

I come to u now, honestly sharing my experiences there,

I've been down, and now rose up again to the challenge,
and I walk on and on..
in seek of knowledge.


==================

My former alma mater reminds me of a case of unwanted pregnancy, where abortion is the common norm. Or rather, if I may..a bad case of fishing with a huge fishing net. To metaphorically "fish up" 270 students and put them in a hall to study medicine, then slowly cut down those deemed too "dumb" to study Medicine, that must have been one hell of a "fishing net" that they used. The filtration rate was simply poor. Or rather, was it me that was fooled by the fine words and namesake of the institution?

I find it unsatisfying that their actions encourage "in-born talents" to pursue medicine, while most people there frown on others that are "less fortunate". If u are brilliant, then u'd survive. On the contrary, instead of showing the less brilliant students a proper encouragement to study, they show u the door. Out.

And then u'd have a strict filtration system to trim off all these unnecessary individuals, and have the brilliant ones exchange knowledge, essentially "breeding them" to produce unique students. A haven for those that can cope with such harsh reality. This in return encourages a self-centred and "know-it-all" attitude among some students. Something I find, very very irritating.

--------------------

Those that were kicked out by the institution (that can't even provide a proper shaded car-park and a proper lab), now seek help from other Universities. Essentially making Us, nothing more than adoption homes.. I might have went to deep in thoughts, but I figured this whole cycle out a long time ago, I just did not happen to bring it up anywhere on this blog.

Honestly while some may argue that failure and drop outs were caused by an individual's mistake, it doesn't help the whole brutal cycle by an ounce when the University involved can't control their lust for money. Honestly, don't you think taking in 270 student-Doctor wannabes and then stuffing them in a hall is a little too much? For Christ sake, your abandoned ex-Shopping complex building with their cranky escalators could barely even provide a nice a comfy parking space, let alone the labs and dissection halls.

Come on, instead u provided a "practice area" filled with Sisters and nurses bossing us around on our "patient-doctor" practice sessions. Honestly, the syllabus are so much different here as compared to my former institution. 6 mths into the course and we bought a stethoscope, followed by hush hush off to the nearby Hospitals for visits. Yet many still do not know why Primaquine/Malarial Drugs shouldn't be given to hemolytic anemia patients. Or if Favism aggrevates a bad case of hemolytic anemia.
Despite such vast difference, at least I had found the joy of studying and finally understood Why and How things work.

All in all, the cycle I've gone through was a very long and tiring one. I learned a lot.. And have experience all the sour emotions and pain that comes with it..

This rant/blog was probably the best way to tell everyone that I'm no longer with IMU. Finally I broke my silence.
And for Christ sake IMU, pls stop chasing me for Sem3 fees and sending me result slips saying I failed Sem3, I WASN'T EVEN IN SEM 3 TO BEGIN WITH. F*cking irresponsible bastards, update ur goddamn system.

I'm now ready to rise up to a new challenge, and truly practice Life Long Learning..

I'm having an exam soon,
watch me scorch the battlefield,

The ground shall run red, in blood.

Till then,