Friday, November 4, 2011

An hourglass

To sum up my day : Went to watch "In Time", WASN'T impressed with the acting. At.all.

BUT was satisfied with the drive home message.


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Well to be honest, the movie was rather bland and boring. On the story and plot perspective, it managed to capture my attention, for the full 2 and a half hrs.

By coincidence, the drive home message was related to the short powerpoint presentation I saw during lecture. U see, my lecturers stepped into class today and gave a wonderful powerpoint presentation.

It wasn't bout the usual study material. That sort of bullcrap has been fed to us consecutively for the past God know, how many days. They were doing much more than that. They were subconsciously expanding our Emotional Quotient.

The powerpoint related teamwork to the natural flight pattern of geese.

The migrating species of birds, fly in a unique "V" shaped pattern.

They have a leader at the center, but it doesn't hog all the spotlight to itself. As the leader gets tired, another of it's kind will replace it. Hence they rotate, allowing others to show their capabilities..

If at any one point, one of the goose decides to take to the skies alone, it will feel the harsh cold wind beating against it, restricting its abilities. The others will welcome and encourage this loner to participate and fly together. Together, the work done is amplified. And much more is achieved.

If any of the birds feel sick/tired..some of them will stick to it. Accompanying it, making sure it fully recovers, or stick with it till it passes away.

Lastly, they often quack at each other, encouraging each other to keep at it as they fly through harsh weathers.

The spirit of teamwork and synergy among members was so well demonstrated in lower animals *I don't consider my species more superior than others btw, but such amazing act fascinates me*

Now the question is, Why don't we see much of it among our kind?

This is the part where the drive home message from "In Time" comes in..

Individualism was pretty much all over the place in the movie.. The need of an individual overpowers the mass. Survival of the fittest was the theme addressed in this movie. The strong survive, and the weak die for the sake of the strong to live on. This sort of individualism was termed Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Moving into the next phase and securing a high position in the hierarchy at the expense of sacrifice from lower beings of the same kind/different kind.

I will take a direct quote from the movie :
"No one deserves to be immortal, if another person has to die for it."

Similarly, in a group, no one deserves to triumph over others, if the other members are to sacrifice for it. That is, disruption in group synergy. A negative energy that many fail to see.
Teamwork is abstract, pretty much like art.

Some get it, cuz they really feel it.
Some get it, but they 'understand' only bcuz everyone says yes.

Some get it, but they pretend.

These are the worst kind of people.

Personally I try to limit the amount of interaction I have with people that disrupt the chain of positive feedback among groups. Its never nice to see the same take home message for years only centered on the fact that you suck. I guess I've seen it happen before my eyes for so many years. Yet I only realize it now.

My exposure to group work and its synergistic effects prove beneficial after all. In a way, we were encouraged to survive as a pack. Not as loners.
In the end, though your achievements are based on your individual actions, the path towards achieving such glory is often never a lonely one. Often, we seek help when we are not sure. We seek the aid of others to push through difficult phases in life.

Hence the great string of achievements awaiting at the end of a long struggle, is never spawned from individualistic actions. Failure to acknowledge such a contribution by the team, is ignorance.
Ignorance upon the fact that our friends helped us, and that we are never alone.

"It is better to admit ignorance, than demonstrate it."

------------

During the 7 weeks of my study phase, I've been grateful.

Grateful and blessed, I have wonderful lecturers.
Though they are my lecturers, I'd prefer to fondly refer to them as my inspiration.
They are my tutors in the philosophies of life.
And they all encourage the same take home message,
kill individualism

and long live collectivism.

Grateful that I have wonderful coursemates, groupmates and friends.

Grateful that my parents finally opened the door between us
and we started communicating.

Grateful that I met my girl.
She resembles a large Energizer battery packed into a tiny frame.
She gives me the inspiration to write.


Grateful to God, that I got a 2nd chance at life.
No matter what religion background u are from,
it doesn't hurt to spend 10secs praying together before a class. :)

------------

It however pains me,
that individualism has spawned in my close group of friends.
Some had it a long time ago,
I failed to acknowledge that earlier.
Some display them on and off, yet fail to strike me.

Its sad but true, I was once upon a time,
a person that understood teamwork,
and the close bond formed thru synergy among members.

Time passed, and I thought I still knew,
what teamwork and collectivism is.

I thought I knew it.

But I was wrong. I lied to myself.
That sort of spirit was long gone.
It eroded like mud, under the rain.

"Collectivism is like a blade, it must be polished.
When left to rust, it becomes individualism..
separate pieces broken from a once sturdy blade."

It was not easy sitting down and thinking bout things,
the fact that I had led the group into individualism.
I too have my own portion of the fault to shoulder.

But the fact that I chose to be an initiator,
the very 1st person to voice it out,
the very person others will frown upon,
framed for spoiling and causing disunity among the group,
shows that I still do care bout us.

It strikes me as ignorance when others refuse to acknowledge a problem within a group,
Pinning the matter on the fact that we are all busy is ignorance.
Frankly even I do it.
I myself have many a time, claim to be too busy to give "a f*ck" bout other ppl's life.

That was me, being stupid and ignorant.

I feel rather sad, that such a concern has been brought up time and time again,
only to be shrugged off by certain people as nothing more than an attention seeking stunt.


My dismissal from the latest group performance has not thrown me off track,
Though it weighted heavily on me that I have to commit to another path in life,
I have never once blamed anyone for it.
For the issue was well understood by me,
and I never wanted to be a burden.


I am sad, but becuz I cant perform anymore.
I have no hard feelings to anyone, bcuz I understand the whole story.
Neither do I blame anyone for suggesting that I quit.
U are right, I should in order to not burden the group.


I am sad, but becuz I have seen individualism spawned in this group,
It saddens me that it has become the common language spoken,
Regretfully, I failed to bind everyone closer to one another,
I did not encourage any form of participation
We were once sumthing, becuz of how close we could relate to each other.

Not becuz of our dancing skills.


I choose to chase after abstract things,
only felt by the heart.

Viva la Collectivism.



Till then,
U know u have certainly grown more mature, when u start talking and reasoning out things that surprise even urself.. I have certainly, grown in many ways. Becoming more team oriented and positive.
Regretfully, another flock of geese have demonstrated better collectivism.. That is the painstaking truth..

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Lost.

I am lost. Really..

Now, this isn't a casual post bout the story of my life..
No, this is so much more than that..

This is about passion, the raw emotions I used to have, when I do the things I liked.

This flame, that burns deep in me.. is now gone.

Extinguished, no more..

--------------

I have recently found myself getting back to dancing,
taking baby steps in being more active in participating..

But midway, something juz happened.

For the 1st time in my life, I'm struck with this feeling
I have never experienced before..

I question myself time and time again..

'Why am I dancing? What am I doing here??"

I lost the passion,
I lost the feel
Emotionally numb, I no longer feel the hype and passion for dancing..

Though I have yet to pinpoint the exact reason why I am like this,
I have been observing myself..
I seem to be less chirpy,
less happier with the way things are..
less happier and more tensed with the pressure of an upcoming performance..
I seem to take this more seriously cuz it is, after all, a performance..
I am simply put, less into this performance as more time passes,
I am tired, emotionally and nearly off the edge d..


I know the performance is right after my exams, no doubt it will definitely put additional pressure on me as I prepare for my End of Block exam..


I find myself unable to cope with the increasing demands of the team,
Not to say ur demands are unreasonable, but rather I am unable to deliver up to that standard..
I frankly can't oblige to a practice on weekdays, weekends and friday that often anymore.
Friday maybe once in awhile. But there are times that I must find my own personal time off..

I've been giving nearly everything to this course
(And I am very happy bcuz I got results that I deserved, and I actually enjoy my life in SEGi)
I've given whatever left next to my family and my girl..
And I gave whatever remnants and crumbs of my personal time to IX.
I find myself not relaxing, instead always running between places and wondering what to do next..

I guess those are minor reasons (or maybe excuses),

No matter what, I've lost all passion and emotion for this performance,
And I can't deliver unless I know what am I doing..
I guess I didn't really understand what Fang Kai meant when he mentioned bout 'us adhering too strictly to schedule and becoming more and more involved with dance.'

I can fully relate to his point of view now,
Bcuz all thats on my mind now is, When is the next practice? Can I attend? If not means I got more catching up to do.
I no longer find myself looking forward and enjoying friday.. bcuz now I dread it.

Its best I stay out of this one,

I guess its better for me to be by the sidelines..

All I am right now, is a dancer that can't dance.

Till then,


**btw this has nothing to do with my time management,
neither does it have to do with my uni. I kinda lost interest in the performance
and no longer prioritize it in the events of my life.
Thats all.**

Friday, October 28, 2011

Time capsule.

In a blink of the eye, 6 weeks have passed..

6. weeks.

...since the day I enrolled into SEGi University College for Medicine.

Time passes very fast when u enjoy the things u do in life.

In these 6 fun weeks, I finally understood things I never did.

I finally realize the importance of understanding things,

I am now able to build a concept on tackling exams, all by understanding..

Everything makes sense when u read 'em word by word and take the time off to understand everything taught.

It pays off and I find life more rewarding,
its more than the usual nerd sessions i have at the library or home.

I find myself closer and closer towards my goal, of becoming a Doctor.

And I must say, I'm having the best time of my life thanks to the proper guidance of the Dean and his group of lecturers.

----------------------

Understanding, in other contexts,

Is what brings people together.

It bridges the gap between 2 people, holding them close

The stronger this bond becomes, the more life becomes rewarding..

For now I can only afford to cover up this pain with work..

After all, work is like morphine to me..

I use it to ease my suffering, and it is addictive..


Something in me hurt when I read what others wrote,
I can feel the tears coming out..

Clearly I have not reached that level of understanding with u, yet..


But I hope,
and I'm optimistic,
that we will find it..one day.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Midnight Ocean



Thank you..

You showed us the path to walk on..

You guided us, placed our feet on the ride track..

Then u proceed to let us explore the roads.

Though u never guide us by the hand,
u were always there incase we fall..

You pick us right up and guide us again..

----------------

Moonlight Ocean



Thx to u.. I've learned to broaden my horizons,
broaden my views on life.

I view the world in a more peaceful state.

My conscious part, residing in me,
awakens to the calling.

I see the world as one,
where all unite and eventually return to Mother Earth.

I no longer pity the living,
I no longer answer to the call of burden,
I no longer bow and heed the order of pressure.

I embrace my existence and choose to excel,
I want to fly as high as I can,
I want to flap my wings and soar the skies,

I want to tear through the clouds,
and fly as far as I can

Ride towards that little speck on the edge of the sea..
That little island called Hope,
I want to feel the warmth of the sun,
As it sets under me.

Then I will touch the stars and moon,
I will reach out to them.
Draw them on the black cold sky..

I watch the moon cast its beam all over the ocean,
together,I embrace my lover and see the ocean tides reside,

I watch the stars shine as the waves beat on my legs,
And watch the ripples form before my eyes
I embrace my love,

And tell myself how grateful I am to be alive.

To return from despair,

To view the world as a never ending source of life,

To view this chance given as a new start,

To aim and renew my faith,

I decide to fly as high as I can.

My past tells no story worth learning,
I left them behind,
on an island called Yesterday.

My companions,
some are of no value to my undertaking of life,
They weigh like anchors and I drag them like steel balls..
I drop them over the sea I flown by.

My attitude, dry and coarse like the sand,
Incompetence, idiocy and arrogance,
I left all over the magenta sky I flew by.

I fly towards a new challenge everday,

A testament that I am still moving and ticking,

A prove that I am still fighting,

A prove that I..am still alive.


Though come storm and heavy winds,
The past eventually catches up with me,
But fly forward and flap harder I will,

Though come cold breeze and hailstorms,
The present will find a spark within and ignite it,
But ignore, and concentrate on the island, I will.

Though come warm and humid days,
I will find the courage I had when I chose to fly,
And tell myself I have to live for tomorrow,
I have to live for next time,
I have to live till I reach that island,
I have to live till I embrace my love,on the rocky shores of Hope..

I can't live everyday like its the last,
for one day..
It will certainly become a reality.


I will never stop till I find this island,
I will need ur hand till then,





Till then,

Thank you,Prof. Hamdan

Friday, October 7, 2011

I..


"I.."

"I walk alone.."

There are certain paths I must attempt, alone.

I will have no help from anyone.

I will endure all the pain,
for the fruit harvested at the end of this gruesome journey..
is sweet and eternally rewarding.

I will never have a word to say about it..

-----------

"I move, by moonlight"

I act, and do things as told by my heart.

I feel, and act them out.

I slumber at the sight of daylight..

Only to re-appear at moonlight's presence.

--------------

"I bleed for the greater good."

I sell myself out for the benefit of thou.

Be it friend or foe, I hath no honor remained in thy.

I give more, for those u chose to give less.

I bleed more, for those who are selfish in life.

-------------

"I walk the roads less taken,
I choose the path of pain,
at the sight of a split road."

I walk onwards with responsbility..

I am but a shadow, stripped off everything.

I wield only one, courage.

And march on, never doubting any other option..

For it is I, that decide my paths and choice in life.

Responsbility over personal gain,
I deny thyself other worldly pleasure..


"I long for u,my Priestess of the Moon.."




Till then,

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Flashback

Don't Quit

"When things go wrong,
as the sometimes will,
When the Road ur trudging
seems all uphill,
When the funds are low,
and the debts are high,
And u want to smile,
but u have to sigh
When care is pressing u,
down a bit,
Rest if u must,
But don't you quit.

Success is a failure,
turned inside out,
The silver tint of
The cloud of doubt,
And how u never can tell,
How close u are,
It may be near,
When it seems far.

So,stick to
The fight when
you're hardest hit.
It's when things go wrong,
that u mustn't quit.

11.9.2011

-----------
^Did I wrote that? Nawwwwww,I didnt lolz
It came from an inspiring bookmark by my gf <3

*A significant change*


Alright so Im back schooling again. *Yay~*
lmao..

Lots have been happening these few days..
Lets see :
1)I got enrolled in Med School
2)Im having fun
3)Its no where as ***** as IMU *Oh God.. **** YEA!*
4)Im back with a new resolve.. a new goal..a new aim *U get the point.*

SOOOOO Yeahhhhh~
Whats new u ask?

Well..
This.



SURPRISE PICTURE OF MY CHEST X-RAY
LOLOLOLOLOL
Yeah I was made to take a chest X-ray
Can u imagine how shocked the young radiologist was when she saw my tummy

Not . fun . at . all.
lol.


-------------------

So I went in all nervous
I was in the Uni lecture hall

And then the dean went on talking blablabla
We had the Vice Chancellor blabbing
*he looked like Albert Einstein lmao*

The 1st guy to intro himself to me turns out to be my senior

Follow by another guy,then it went on
Till the 2nd day,there were 9 of us in the group

Like..
9 jokers lmao

All have good humor *Including laughing at lecturers and nerds*
But are equally nerdy.
heh.

--------------

3 days later,we were the best of friends

8 meds and 1 dental student

Can u imagine? lmao

So we had a field trip on the 4th day
Honestly speaking,I knew it wasn't one of those "Lawatan Sambil Belajar" kind of crap..

Did YOU really blieve we still get such 'field trips'?
lol,seriously? To a Forest reserve?

Well it was more of a character building camp
A 1 day kind of thing.

--------------

For the past few days I kinda volunteered to be a leader
I lead the PBL group disguising the fact that I had previous experience

I decided to do it,since everyone was too afraid to lead

And probably its the best way to convey the msg that I infact,
had prior experience
SOOOO...Why not? right? :D

Today while assembling at the foyer before we departed for our field trip,

One of the girls recognized me
And hence pre-selected me to lead today's session at the forest reserve

I've been chosen again
And Im pretty grateful cuz they cheered me on to become a leader.

----------



So what does this pic have to do with today's event?

We were kinda instructed to construct a tower,the tallest tower using :

8 materials

Paper
Toilet rolls
Tapes (To hold the tower together)
Rubber bands
Plastic bags
TOOTHPICKS <= W.T.F
etc etc

The catch :
Ur building must have all the 8 materials included
And on top of it,it must hold a cup at the top
(where the actual height of the tower will be measured)
and u must have a stone in the cup.

Tricky,the only way to obtain other group's material,
was to bargain and BARTER.
There were 8 groups,and each group gets to choose 1 item
(which they can't see as it remains hidden beneath some newspaper before they are finally revealed to everyone)

What appears to me as toothpaste box turns out to be a box..

Holding TOOTHPICKS. gg.

lol

---------------

When the challenge is to construct the tallest tower,
naturally the 1st thing that runs in my mind
ISN'T about making something stand high and mighty,while withstanding the pressure and not toppling over.

Its about whether we can obtain all 8 materials

U see,the rule is u MUST have 8 materials in the construction
Not 1 less or else u forfeit

So my goal wasn't to stack the newspapers as high as possible

Instead,we settled for something lesser

Its stable,
Its nice and artistic

and lastly,its fun for the group

It ain't bout winning

Cuz frankly I've given up on that goal
The fundamentals is to have fun,not stress urself out

Lol its funny watching some ppl work themselves out over who is winning and who is last

To me,its childish
I've kinda mature beyond that level already

Kinda like "Been there,done that"
So to me,competing over a small teamspirit camp is fine
But some people juz take it over the limit

And kinda spoil other ppl's fun

All in all we still had a good time

And my team appreciates what I've done

I came back home,
A changed man already

Im at the helm of leadership again

And Im feeling great

Being able to know that I still retain a little of that awesome character and confidence in me

Makes me feel awesome! :D

That overflowing charisma is juz overflowing! xD

---------






Dear Im missing u so much~
Thx for being there for me,
when ****ING IMU trashed my soul

I won't let them stop me from being awesome now

Till then,

*Btw the Dean really loved our construction
he actually snapped a pic of it xD

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The ladder of Insecurity


I'm climbing a ladder

A long one
*it takes 5 years to climb this ladder*

I'm afraid.

Insecure

What if I don't have the courage,the momentum to go on?

What if I fall midway through things..?

What if the ladder gave way?
Paving way for a long and painful fall?

Will I be able to get up again?


Thats right,Im about to attempt to *re-climb* the ladder of education

Whatever that awaits me at the top,is my future..

Yet I cower at the sight of this challenge..

Yes,Im afraid to attempt it again
I've fallen once,and it hurts..
like.hell.


This coming monday,I will take my 1st step

I wanna see how strong can human endurance go
How long can the human spirit and determination last

U have my words..u know who u are..

I wont be broken before I conquer all the steps
At least,not before I've climbed all the steps up this ridiculously long ladder


For those of u who still can't get what am I talking about metaphorically..


Im re-entering Med school

Thats right,
Go ahead and laugh if u want
Cuz I will have the final laugh when Im treating u ;)


Oh,and don't worry..
I'll be soft,and gentle~ ;)

Till then,
*triple post today ftw* :D