No one cares if you walk away,
or have your girl carried away..

True, perhaps you didn't do anything then,
but you should have kept away anyways.

As for me, if only I realized earlier..

Regret is a feeling that doesn't manifest when we are conscious,
because we guard our emotions.
But play a sad song,
or show a sad scene,
or perhaps wait till the night is late,
when we are no longer guarding those emotions like a treasure chest..

It flows out, just as your tears will.

Why am I looking back again?
Honestly I have no idea.
________________________________________________

Without this happening,
I probably won't grow up and understand girls more.

Days fly by so easily when you are occupied,
and while it was hard to accept it,
and hard to go back to my friends because I can't face her,
all I can do now is stay where I am.

I have calm down,
I'm no longer angry or sad or feeling the pain,
and though I have removed people from my contact list,
it's only because I don't want to know whats going on,
I don't want to know your world.

I'm still fine being friends,
but that is all.

Friends on the surface.
I can dance, or work with you.
But that is all.
______________________________________________

I don't expect anyone to come and hold an umbrella for me,
while I stand under the rain.


Honestly though,
are you really happy?
Building a house from the leftover debris of a burnt one.

What are the odds you'd be able to hold her attention..

I wonder..

Why do I see you when I close my eyes..

Or when I sleep, I see our moments again?

You gnawing on my arm right after a shower
and smelling my shirt.

Or the times when you were afraid after a movie
and I held you close
then carried you on my back along the sidewalks of the road..

I'm tired of it already,
I wanna walk away.
Don't you understand?

I don't wanna see anything of us anymore.
I don't wanna see you,
lying by my side whenever I open my eyes,
only to rub it and realize it's empty.

You seem immune to everything,
but why am I the weak one?

It's no longer painful anymore,
but these moments,
they are carved into my memories already.
Much like the promises you said..

I don't want them anymore,
I wanna be free and walk away.


I hope I don't become like this guy

It so happen that I randomly came across videos of Suju waking each other up and pulling pranks on one another.

I remember back then when we had similar things too,
our group.

Be it, hunting for food because we were hungry
and then rejoicing when we finally found a shop selling cup noodles
or cooking it and eating it on the hotel floor and talking.

Or the times when we'd have trips, and have fun during practice sessions.

Good times, when there were no girls
and just us.

Now?

I have no confidence joining back
I feel uncomfortable
and I am ignored because you are in love with the source of my discomfort.


and then I have friends asking me,
Why are you still going back to them?

Real friends won't do this to you.


That made me think..

No love is forever,
if you believe in that then you are a fool.


Now that we are all above the age of immaturity,
perhaps it is time to act our age and look for love,
not infatuation and sparks at first sight.


I can't even fathom how it is like,
to be a person who loves without seeing a future.
I feel sorry seeing how stupid people can be.

 
People like this,
should grow out of immaturity,
and stop looking at flowers.

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Though separated and different, they share the same love for one another.


Improving myself is 1 thing..

But I will never change my ideals,
and change myself just because of you.
____________________________________________

Time doesn't heal scars,
it plasters the wound with scar tissues,
shielding the mind from hurting itself.
Opening my eyes, and forgiving myself,
suddenly makes the wound painless.


The deeper I fall,
the harder it is to wake up,
is it the dreamer that refuses to see the blue skies,
or the skies that refuse to acknowledge the dreamer?


In a desert searching for an oasis,
I was on my way to find my soulmate,
I merely stopped by and had a seat with you,
thinking perhaps you might be the one.


I get stronger day by day,
not hesitating as I used to, erasing you,
that surge of courage,
is it anger and hatred, or my awareness
that it's not you, destined to be in my arms,
I wonder..


I'll be on my way now.

Hmm.. maybe instead of throwing mandarin orange into the ocean,

perhaps I should take one and throw it at your face :D


Naww, I'm just kidding


No really.. I'm kidding :/

I can't be consumed by hate.

I can't let anger get to me.

I won't hate, I won't dislike.
I empty my feelings into a flask and lock them.
Not taking them out is a problem now,
but with time..perhaps..

Time may change me, but not my ideals.

I won't throw my vows and dreams away,
because I fell down and hurt myself.



Be strong,
Be tough,

Be me.
Only I can do that.

I'm sure there will be a time,
when I am lost again..
or my map flew away..
or I lost my bearings..

but, my heart will guide me.


I have to trust myself, and aim high.

I got this, right?

farewell

Today I learn,
that emotions such as love,
come across similar to flame.


Once I tasted the flames,
I wanted more.

And struggled till I got it.
I made it as big as possible..

But one can't seem to fan on forever,
there are days where you learn to live,
with a dim and smaller light,
enough to illuminate 2 people.

It's not extinguished,
just small and weak,
but more than enough for 2 souls..


I thought we shared the same thought,


turns out only I held on,
and continue to learn how to love you past those fiery days..
and then you blame me for everything..

I didn't comeback to hear why I was left behind,
I came back to know if you really meant it..
and I believed in our promises,
so I came back again. and again..

People's heart are so difficult to read.

Normally I'd ignore facebook articles,
but this one, really caught my mind..
shame, I didn't read it earlier.
shame, I didn't know about it earlier.

I would have asked,
if you'd stand by me if the fire went dim.

Love is an illusion,
until you learn to love.

Otherwise, I guess it doesn't matter who's next to you,
once the fire dims..it will always end the same way.

Today, I learn to love.
I guess if finding the right person is like writing the prologue of a paperback novel,
then learning to love that person day by day,
is like writing the entire novel itself.

Shame, not every movie portrays the slower part of love..
I'm not gonna lie, I've always thought the flame would fan on bright and hot forever.

I can't doubt myself.

If I can be easily swayed by a facebook post,
I obviously haven't cleared my head enough.

She left, rather than try to understand the situation..
She turned her back on me 1st,
not wanting to work anything out.


We are 2 boats than can't sail in the same direction.



So why do I keep doubting myself..

Started watching Nae Yeojachinguneun Gumiho 
Out of boredom :/

I swear I was just googling Shin Min Ah's name after watching an episode of Running Man
Next thing you know, I spend and entire afternoon watching 4 episodes @_@

I even missed my jogging routine argh
Tomorrow must do double TT__TT


Why does the brain dream of things 
the heart wants to let go..?

I woke up when you asked me for my shirt,
telling me you missed my scent..

I wonder who will be my Gumiho.. 
I thought you were the one.

Sorry, I'm just passing by,
leave me alone.

Bam.

Someone actually said I lost weight :O

Ehehehe, my plan is working *evil laughter*

___________________________________

Now hiring :

Must be :

Female 
(No thai transgender pls)

Age between 20- 22

Asian with a mildly fair complex
(^i don't even know what that means)

BMI within Normal range 

(google it if you don't know whats the range)

If you are all of the above^
Then send your resume to me at blablabla@hotmail.com

:D
 

Extra points for girls with a bob cut hairstyle,

'cuz they are cute

To top it off, YOU get instantly hired IF :

 you wear a hairband 

or 

a ginormous ribbon on your head

because then you'd be too damn cute to resist.

_____________________________________

I kid lawl,

no seriously.. I'm kidding.

Ughhh fell sick..

Who knew 6 lobaks can give me sore throat -___-
6 sticks, not 6 pieces :D


I realize my schedule is more free and relaxed once I remove the compulsive urge of gaming every night.

Wayyyy more freedom to do what I like.

My body and joints actually ache like mad.

Time for some rest ><

I know I shouldn't have done it..

But I did it anyways,

I opened your 1st Valentine's day letter to me..


And subsequently allowed the memories in.


Out of curiosity I googled When she stops caring, she stops loving..
The 1st article that came out blew my mind into pieces.



And then I realize I was a fool for not listening.
I was the one that let her go..

I'm sorry..
I really wish I could say this,
but I couldn't.
Because I know in your eyes, I'm a different guy from the one you loved back then.

And though I tell you I can and will change,
those words mean nothing in your heart.
Because you left that spot, a long time ago.

I want to hope that you will open your heart once more,
but I have no rights to do so..
because my wants, will hurt you more.

And then I become the same insensitive jerk again..

I see you everytime I close my eyes,
those memories, like a movie album..
constantly on loop,
and then I fall asleep once the torture is enough.

Looks like I too, got lost in the middle of my journey,

It pains me that the most ignorant person on this planet,
despite bragging about wisdom..

turns out to be me..




I shouldn't have ignored the signs..
coming from me, and you..


..what good is a lover,
that can't love anything properly.

떠나가지 못하는 남자

"Why do we fall Bruce?"
"So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.."


I'm not afraid anymore,
..not in doubt anymore,
..not questioning anymore,
nor am I hoping anymore.

I'm back to where I was,
when I just came back from Australia.

Though I can stand up now,
there are bound to be sad days once in awhile.


Once I leave this house,
my recovery will be complete.
And I won't need to think of you anymore
every night I close my eyes in bed.


..or  when I take a shower
..even when I sit in my room
..or do my work
..or play my games

and the list goes on and on..

Your smile, your laughter,
your giggles and whispers..
the secrets we share..
they are safe with me..


I can still be a very good friend,

I won't run anywhere,
if you need me to listen, just press the green button..

after all, I used to be the guy that understands you the most..


I wish you all the best in life,
and be happy always.

So many things to say..

It wasn't because my courage was lacking..


Just because I can say it,

doesn't mean other people are ready to listen to it..

그대 때문에 사랑을 알았는대...

"사랑하는 사람 앞에선,
사랑한다는 말을 하지않는다..
아니...안하는것이 아니라,
못하는것이 사랑에 진실이다.."

I should probably stop hoping..
because that's a greedy act.
It's selfish..

You seem to be really honest,
that you want to erase memories of me..

..I, shouldn't stop you from leaving then.
The pain to bear,
is much lesser than seeing you suffer..


..tear drops flow as I hold your whistle.

이현섭 , My Love

A friend shared a song, and then he realized the subtitles LOL

Gave me quite a shock there

Reading back all the comments you wrote on my posts..
made me happy


I must be going crazy..

What should I do..

Return to school

Decided to start finding back myself, the best way is to visit my alma mater.

The start of IX, every friday I spend my afternoon time here, dancing with them..

 

 

Was bored, drew this in class :/

 I finally spend the evening catching up with my friends in a cafe.. and then driving over to someone's house to talk more about matters close to the heart. Just serious talks in between.. It was calm, we exchanged stories, share views, and just let it out.. In the process I realize,

that I really miss you a lot..

I miss you like crazy..

Though it's barely a week, 

time slows down so much, and it felt like a month..

I was constantly shoving my phone into my bag,

because I know I'd lose myself over some music and wanna text you..

And then get reminded, that I'm a burden to face up to..

that it's a chore replying me..

that you can't tolerate me..

or that I make things hard for you..

I'd take out my phone every now and then,

I'd reactivate my account, and deactivate it, only to reactivate it 5 hours later,

and then deactivate it again..

but I hold back, because your words.. your will,

really did reach out to me..

I know I can't reach out to you.

You probably can't and won't reply, even if I do..

I had to remove myself from facebook, 

because seeing how you have seemingly moved on,

and forgotten about me.. makes me sad.

My head hurts, and I can't breath every time I see it.. 

I'm like a dream..

I've been told that alcohol make things better,

but I do not intend to forget my vow..

I'm sure listening to songs would help me better..

talking it out would help me face my fears

time, will heal my scars..

and after a night of crying, perhaps I'll be stronger the next day..

I gave them a good dusting, and clear some things off..

I realize I can't wear the ring alone..

Like the vow, I intend to keep my promise..

Our promise,

even if you don't want me anymore, 

I'll still be there..

even if you despise me, find me disgusting..

I'll endure..

even if you insult me, 

I'll stay there, so that in any case..

you need me to listen to your heart..

I'll gladly hear you out, and lend you my shoulder..

Nowadays, the feeling of nausea seems to be occuring more frequently..

Probably my problems from the 2010 days are returning..

Luminous

Met a very old friend today. It's been ages since we met.. and I'm glad we did.

I needed it, thank you.


Jokes and fun aside, walking down the aisle of a mall made me realize one thing..
My memories are tied and held down by nearly everything in it. There's not one corner which I walked by, that did not trigger a certain event/emotional flashback.

It's a subconscious and organic kinda thing.. (Organic in a sense that it's filled with emotions, happy times, funny times, that sort..)  I told the boys I wanted to burn everything and carpet bomb the mall, but that's not true at all..
I kinda smiled when they flashed by.. Looking back made me realize I appreciate your company.. thank you.

The shop Egete which you wanted to try on some dress, gave me pleasant memories. The moment the changing room curtains shifted and you emerged.. it was magical. And the price of the dress, haha.. yeah I remember that too.

The time when you nursed me back to health after a bad meal. I was so sick that time..
Went back to eat the same fried rice again.. haha

Or the time when you were looking for stationary in a bookstore, trying on funny hairbands, buying a mustache necklace for your sister, and then there was a flashback 2 mths ago.. at the mango dessert store. It felt like yesterday.

I don't intend to run away. I'm not gonna lie, my 1st reaction was denial. And I shifted at the sight of something familiar. I'd feel like I'm being strangled, I feel sick.. I feel despair.. I feel anger..
I'd purge my meals out, because I feel congested inside.
I sleep early, but toss and turn because I see you even when I close my eyes.
I still smile, but everyone know it's a lie. 

I ran, but they are everywhere.. only because the source of my memories stem from within me. I can't keep running away from my own shadow.
Hence I chose to face them, I embrace them, I smile at them..
Throwing things away, removing them from my routine lifestyle solves nothing. It doesn't help you grow, not one bit.

There will be one day where I fall and cry under the rain again, no doubt.
Events like this aren't as simple as curing the common cold.
And while I'm a man of science,
there are just somethings that can't be fixed no matter how much you try.
Waiting it out, and then progressing from there is the only way to go.

Perhaps I'm delusional in your eyes.
A pitiful pup, a fool..
I doubt you are even reading this,
which makes me seem pathetic..
writing something in hopes that you see it.

But where will I go from there..
No one can always be there for me,
I'd best pour my thoughts here.


Thy soul, once a believer
Thou art gentle and loving,

And though, the pain is deeper
The constellations guide where I'm going.


I love you..
and it's because of that,
that I chose to do as you say..


I believed in every word you said about us,
the future, but I never stop and take a look around me
and see what has become of us,
will I give up everything to turn back time?
no.. because the outcome is the same,
I chose to hide my emotions and thoughts in a box,
perhaps when you are ready, I will let them out, one at a time
and if you are never ready..?
then I'd lock it..forever.

Renegade's Pledge

The promises we made, I'll live on..

There was once a Sagittarius,

who fell in love with a maiden

 despite the challenges, remained tenacious,

 day by day their feelings deepen..

"Dear fair maiden, hold thy hand.."

 "to the skies, we soar to seek thou moon."

And thus they soar over the land,

her companionship to him, a much needed boon.

Hours became days, days became months

Like the sun, bright and unyielding with love..

Her inner glow, and warmth

continue to shower the two doves.

Headstrong and prideful as he maybe,

it was his downfall that he didn't foresee.

The days the maiden held on with love,

her grip loosened, retreated to a cove.

Pitch black, the skies grew

and against the rain he flew..

But it was too late,

for a cave now hid his date.

21 hours, for the next 12 days..

he knelt in hopes to change her ways.

The maiden no longer found,

his happiness now bound..

"I will try, and try, and try again.."

"and though this search might be in vain,"

"knowing that I fly against the rain.."

"I only have one question, can I start again?"

I didn't know writing this poem was so painful 
Not to mention the mental block on words..
 I don't wish to resume from where I was
because I only realized how little I know about you..
Watching other people today made me realize
how easily it is to take your soulmate for granted..


The fundamentals of understanding lies in how well you know the other half..
The more experience, the better
I was foolish to think one minor event sealed our trust and didn't move on from there
I was confident that we could be together forever
and let loose my grip..


Though I doubt you will read this..
but I never intended to play games through out the days you weren't here..
it may sound like an excuse but these are days where I spend them with my brother and friends..
while awaiting your return..
Something to occupy my mind so that I don't dread you not being here..
so that I don't pester you day and night expecting a reply..
but it did happen.. and I am sorry.


I was eagerly awaiting your return, and upon it happening..
everything else can disappear, I was putting the final preparations to our Valentines gift
and in the process of making it thought a lot about you..


That's the nicest thing about handmade gifts..
it makes you think about the person you love every second of the process
you just focus on it.. and it gets even better when an idea comes up..


Though you told me it's over.. I never wanted to give up..
I'm sorry if I'm always impulsive..
always dominating..
and distrustful at times..
Although you told me to back off..by telling me how much it felt like a burden..
I wanted to chase on, but I realized that would only suffocate you..
 I'd kill the person I love in the process of getting what I want, something
I have been doing all these while..


And so I removed my presence.. against my will
Memories flash by every now and then, and like a sharp pain stabs me hard..
but I endure and smile on in class.. 
All I can do now is wait,

but..know this.


I still deeply love you,
and perhaps with time in exile,
it would mature to become something more affectionate
 and romantic than before.



 The love I had before seemed immature to me now..
 Hopefully, I'd be able to love you as an adult..
 With a more open and mature mind 

And I can only hope..
you'd open up and be willing to try again..
   

Today

Not caring is a silent way to care

New year, New look.

It's a bout time I gave this place a renovation and update the side panel.

A lot of time have passed.. and I think it's a bout time I let my maturity reflect on it.

I doubt anyone comes back here anymore, but that shouldn't deter me from doing what I used to enjoy most.

New year, a new look, a new feel to it, but best of all..still the same old me.

Nothing has changed.

Till then