이현섭 , My Love

A friend shared a song, and then he realized the subtitles LOL

Gave me quite a shock there

Reading back all the comments you wrote on my posts..
made me happy


I must be going crazy..

What should I do..

Return to school

Decided to start finding back myself, the best way is to visit my alma mater.

The start of IX, every friday I spend my afternoon time here, dancing with them..

 

 

Was bored, drew this in class :/

 I finally spend the evening catching up with my friends in a cafe.. and then driving over to someone's house to talk more about matters close to the heart. Just serious talks in between.. It was calm, we exchanged stories, share views, and just let it out.. In the process I realize,

that I really miss you a lot..

I miss you like crazy..

Though it's barely a week, 

time slows down so much, and it felt like a month..

I was constantly shoving my phone into my bag,

because I know I'd lose myself over some music and wanna text you..

And then get reminded, that I'm a burden to face up to..

that it's a chore replying me..

that you can't tolerate me..

or that I make things hard for you..

I'd take out my phone every now and then,

I'd reactivate my account, and deactivate it, only to reactivate it 5 hours later,

and then deactivate it again..

but I hold back, because your words.. your will,

really did reach out to me..

I know I can't reach out to you.

You probably can't and won't reply, even if I do..

I had to remove myself from facebook, 

because seeing how you have seemingly moved on,

and forgotten about me.. makes me sad.

My head hurts, and I can't breath every time I see it.. 

I'm like a dream..

I've been told that alcohol make things better,

but I do not intend to forget my vow..

I'm sure listening to songs would help me better..

talking it out would help me face my fears

time, will heal my scars..

and after a night of crying, perhaps I'll be stronger the next day..

I gave them a good dusting, and clear some things off..

I realize I can't wear the ring alone..

Like the vow, I intend to keep my promise..

Our promise,

even if you don't want me anymore, 

I'll still be there..

even if you despise me, find me disgusting..

I'll endure..

even if you insult me, 

I'll stay there, so that in any case..

you need me to listen to your heart..

I'll gladly hear you out, and lend you my shoulder..

Nowadays, the feeling of nausea seems to be occuring more frequently..

Probably my problems from the 2010 days are returning..

Luminous

Met a very old friend today. It's been ages since we met.. and I'm glad we did.

I needed it, thank you.


Jokes and fun aside, walking down the aisle of a mall made me realize one thing..
My memories are tied and held down by nearly everything in it. There's not one corner which I walked by, that did not trigger a certain event/emotional flashback.

It's a subconscious and organic kinda thing.. (Organic in a sense that it's filled with emotions, happy times, funny times, that sort..)  I told the boys I wanted to burn everything and carpet bomb the mall, but that's not true at all..
I kinda smiled when they flashed by.. Looking back made me realize I appreciate your company.. thank you.

The shop Egete which you wanted to try on some dress, gave me pleasant memories. The moment the changing room curtains shifted and you emerged.. it was magical. And the price of the dress, haha.. yeah I remember that too.

The time when you nursed me back to health after a bad meal. I was so sick that time..
Went back to eat the same fried rice again.. haha

Or the time when you were looking for stationary in a bookstore, trying on funny hairbands, buying a mustache necklace for your sister, and then there was a flashback 2 mths ago.. at the mango dessert store. It felt like yesterday.

I don't intend to run away. I'm not gonna lie, my 1st reaction was denial. And I shifted at the sight of something familiar. I'd feel like I'm being strangled, I feel sick.. I feel despair.. I feel anger..
I'd purge my meals out, because I feel congested inside.
I sleep early, but toss and turn because I see you even when I close my eyes.
I still smile, but everyone know it's a lie. 

I ran, but they are everywhere.. only because the source of my memories stem from within me. I can't keep running away from my own shadow.
Hence I chose to face them, I embrace them, I smile at them..
Throwing things away, removing them from my routine lifestyle solves nothing. It doesn't help you grow, not one bit.

There will be one day where I fall and cry under the rain again, no doubt.
Events like this aren't as simple as curing the common cold.
And while I'm a man of science,
there are just somethings that can't be fixed no matter how much you try.
Waiting it out, and then progressing from there is the only way to go.

Perhaps I'm delusional in your eyes.
A pitiful pup, a fool..
I doubt you are even reading this,
which makes me seem pathetic..
writing something in hopes that you see it.

But where will I go from there..
No one can always be there for me,
I'd best pour my thoughts here.


Thy soul, once a believer
Thou art gentle and loving,

And though, the pain is deeper
The constellations guide where I'm going.


I love you..
and it's because of that,
that I chose to do as you say..


I believed in every word you said about us,
the future, but I never stop and take a look around me
and see what has become of us,
will I give up everything to turn back time?
no.. because the outcome is the same,
I chose to hide my emotions and thoughts in a box,
perhaps when you are ready, I will let them out, one at a time
and if you are never ready..?
then I'd lock it..forever.

Renegade's Pledge

The promises we made, I'll live on..

There was once a Sagittarius,

who fell in love with a maiden

 despite the challenges, remained tenacious,

 day by day their feelings deepen..

"Dear fair maiden, hold thy hand.."

 "to the skies, we soar to seek thou moon."

And thus they soar over the land,

her companionship to him, a much needed boon.

Hours became days, days became months

Like the sun, bright and unyielding with love..

Her inner glow, and warmth

continue to shower the two doves.

Headstrong and prideful as he maybe,

it was his downfall that he didn't foresee.

The days the maiden held on with love,

her grip loosened, retreated to a cove.

Pitch black, the skies grew

and against the rain he flew..

But it was too late,

for a cave now hid his date.

21 hours, for the next 12 days..

he knelt in hopes to change her ways.

The maiden no longer found,

his happiness now bound..

"I will try, and try, and try again.."

"and though this search might be in vain,"

"knowing that I fly against the rain.."

"I only have one question, can I start again?"

I didn't know writing this poem was so painful 
Not to mention the mental block on words..
 I don't wish to resume from where I was
because I only realized how little I know about you..
Watching other people today made me realize
how easily it is to take your soulmate for granted..


The fundamentals of understanding lies in how well you know the other half..
The more experience, the better
I was foolish to think one minor event sealed our trust and didn't move on from there
I was confident that we could be together forever
and let loose my grip..


Though I doubt you will read this..
but I never intended to play games through out the days you weren't here..
it may sound like an excuse but these are days where I spend them with my brother and friends..
while awaiting your return..
Something to occupy my mind so that I don't dread you not being here..
so that I don't pester you day and night expecting a reply..
but it did happen.. and I am sorry.


I was eagerly awaiting your return, and upon it happening..
everything else can disappear, I was putting the final preparations to our Valentines gift
and in the process of making it thought a lot about you..


That's the nicest thing about handmade gifts..
it makes you think about the person you love every second of the process
you just focus on it.. and it gets even better when an idea comes up..


Though you told me it's over.. I never wanted to give up..
I'm sorry if I'm always impulsive..
always dominating..
and distrustful at times..
Although you told me to back off..by telling me how much it felt like a burden..
I wanted to chase on, but I realized that would only suffocate you..
 I'd kill the person I love in the process of getting what I want, something
I have been doing all these while..


And so I removed my presence.. against my will
Memories flash by every now and then, and like a sharp pain stabs me hard..
but I endure and smile on in class.. 
All I can do now is wait,

but..know this.


I still deeply love you,
and perhaps with time in exile,
it would mature to become something more affectionate
 and romantic than before.



 The love I had before seemed immature to me now..
 Hopefully, I'd be able to love you as an adult..
 With a more open and mature mind 

And I can only hope..
you'd open up and be willing to try again..
   

Today

Not caring is a silent way to care

New year, New look.

It's a bout time I gave this place a renovation and update the side panel.

A lot of time have passed.. and I think it's a bout time I let my maturity reflect on it.

I doubt anyone comes back here anymore, but that shouldn't deter me from doing what I used to enjoy most.

New year, a new look, a new feel to it, but best of all..still the same old me.

Nothing has changed.

Till then